So here it is, the final post on shaping this fluffy goth into a happier, healthier, slightly less fluffy goth! I wouldn’t be too excited, if I were you.
This challenge has truly been amazing in a LOT of ways. It has led me to have a deeper understanding about my body and how it works, along with all the little signs it gives me when things just are NOT alright. It has connected me with a whole network of women and men who are supportive and doing many of the same things I am. I can lean in their direction and they can give me a little nudge. I would like to think it may have even started some fledgling friendships.
It has also pointed out and illustrated a lot more things that I need to work on. I was caught, by family members, Sacco, and my therapist, using it as an excuse to go back to my disordered eating habits of the past. It was noticed before I saw it and that, along with having tools I did not have in the past, made it easier for me to stop and reset my thinking. That took a while out of what could have been useful time using the challenge effectively. Things went wrong and I was in the Sads for a while. While I do not tend to eat poorly while depressed, I do sleep far more than normal and have a lot of fatigue. A new drug and more talking helped that but, again, took valuable time away from working on myself.
Aside from the challenges themselves, I worked myself into information overload to boot. Follow these 35 people on twitter and do exactly as they say! Even as they contradict each other and push meal plans that go against my dietary restrictions and rules! It was a solid case of “Thing X is bad!” followed by “Thing X is the key!”.
So what have I learned?
- Intuitive eating is an awesome thing for me. I have a pretty good idea of when I am in need of something and when I am not. Although I don’t have a scale (more on that in a second), I have found that my body feels, responds, and fits into clothing better when I follow this route.
- I cannot own a scale. I went from using it to weigh for MyFitnessPal (be my friend here!) to using it on an almost hourly basis and basing poor decisions off the data. I will weigh at the gym, occasionally.
- The Wii Fit is one of the lesser Oni. You get on just wanting to do some quickie home exercise and it blows your Mi up to the size of a parade float. I don’t need my game system shaming me; the world is good at that by itself. Hell, I am good at that by myself.
- Group activities in a gym are far more appealing than hanging out by myself in the gym and therefor will keep me going back. Yoga is awesome and and often the best stress relief I can find. Feeling all stretched out and wonderful is a good thing.
- Outside is also wonderful. It connects me back to nature and is a religious as well as fitness experience. Even with other people in a park, the time I spend there is my own. I can run, jog, meditate, and find the connection to my Mother that I tend to lose.
- My OCD is a demon of many colours. It is something I live with but, as my therapy progresses, I can also control it and channel it. I am changing my thought process from viewing it as a demon to viewing it as a Kami (spirit). It highlights my life in rituals and obsessions, but it is ultimately I who choose and direct those obsessions and their severity. I can utilize this to get back to loving myself.
- I need to not focus on the long term. I need to focus on the now and the process. Plans change and grow as my body ages and changes in turn. I cannot love myself in a few years, I must love myself NOW.
- I need to not let Sacco cook. I HAVE to cook. We need to eat out less and that as well. Sacco, bless his heart, hates vegetables. They exist not in his world. Cooking makes me happy and I am damn good at it. Time to take responsibility back and figure it out.
Last thing of I have learned: the internet is full of great people. Some are trolls but a lot are amazing and informative and inspiring. I am choosing inspiration.
Goodbye 2012! It has been swell, but the swellings gone down. I am ready for some more growth in 2013. 13 is, after all, my lucky number.
Let’s go run in the woods! Er, in long johns, cause baby–it is cold outside!