Full warning: Post written because I feel I have no other space to say it and it needs to be out of my head. Kind of a downer. However, if you have any tricks or tips to offer, I would humbly accept them and give you much gratitude. Thank you for being the eyes on the other side of the box.
What happens when you notice that instead of getting “better”, you realize you have just transferred your obsessions to other areas? I am lost. I don’t have the “high” that comes with feeling that I have Worked Things Out anymore. I have the cold reality that I just reorganized things to LOOK like they are sorted. Now the wall between not knowing/knowing is down, I don’t know what to do.
There is terror in things I did not realize I was storing it in. Simple things. Stupid everyday sort of things.
My support network is unstable right now. All are under stress from outside influences and do not need me cluttering things up.
It is unfair to put this into the faces of my online “friends” (goddamn we need a better word for the guys and gals you would totally buy a pint for in real life but you only see through a tiny box of 1′s and 0′s). It forces an intimacy they may not desire. It is impossible to put towards the Parental Units because, though they have known mental instability from other generations, they do not understand it themselves. Must be nice to be in the “skipped” generation.
So, I will write down what I can remember to tell my beloved Doctor and just keep trying. I just don’t know where it will go from here. It was so nice to think that all it took was a once a month chat and a handful of colorful pills. How insidious our brains are when we are not paying close attention.